A review of "The Summer You Were There" written at 2am while crying
ok before i start reviewing this, i want you to imagine a scenario.
imagine you’re walking down the streets. somehow, you know for sure you will get stabbed today.
bear with me here.
you can infer that you’ll probably get stabbed after you’ve walked into that dark alleyway, the shortcut google maps wanted you to go.
so you walk into the dark alleyway. there is a suspicious looking man in a hoodie, holding something, walking towards you. you step into a puddle - it was dark and you didn’t notice, and now your socks are wet. you hate that sensation. like scratching an itch, you try to distract yourself from your inevidable fate with that sensation. the man pulls out his knife, and swings it at you.
time slows down. he will hit you in 3 seconds in real time, but your nearly frozen in time. you walked into the alleyway knowing full well you’d get stabbed, and now your have extra time to mentally prepare - the duration of one summer vacation, to be precise.
you start looking at the world around you. your reflection on the ground. the colorful patterns from the oil - you’ve read about the science before but you forgot. the fresh aftersmell of rain. the sensation of wet socks. maybe the world is wonderful right now.
you hated the sensation of wet socks and sweaty clothes, but how could you not marvel at the sight? you’re finally on top of the hill. your throat is dry, after hours of climbing and complaining. you resented your parents for making you go out, you swore you’ll never give in to them again. it feels like you’re on top of the world, nothing gets higher than this. it’s heaven, you’ve never touched clouds with your bare hands before. or are they just fog?
the weather is… cold. you’re not very used to that, not in this country. everyone found a place to sit down. you reach out to the bag for one of those rm1 nasi lemak they bought this morning, and some cadbury chocolate too. thought it’s all melted and sticky by now.
for a moment you were enjoying yourself with them.
hey, what if you’re a genuinely terrible person. you believe it really wasn’t your fault, but something doesn’t add up - the nightmare began the day you swore you would hate them for real. you wanted consequences for them but you can’t win against anyone. all you’re doing is hurting yourself by isolating yourself with everybody, getting offended when your family tries to help you. perhaps it’s time to apologize for real.
“i’m sorry”. they said. you know this is probably the last time you’ll be in this place. it’s nice that your teacher’s doing this activity. “no, it was okay. you didn’t need to apologize.”
guess he’s just trying to be nice. or maybe not. it’s not they that should apologize. it was you. cause you were a child. you belong at the bottom so you created a fantasy where you’re the protagonist. they were your victim too. if they have never met you, maybe they could have lived a normal life. why did you look down on everyone so much? why did you need to pick on him? did that give you a sense of statisfaction? were you so desperate for inside jokes that you’re blind to your cruelty?
you don’t have the answer to those questions. you’re a changed person. no more delusions, you promised to yourself, knowing you’ll continue to regret whatever new you you’ve become. despite the promises, you still don’t have the courage to raise up your hand.
it’ll probably be okay if you did. it’s not like he cares anymore. his life is much better than yours anyways, meanwhile you’re here getting crushed by guilt. but you know apologies can’t solve anything. your soul is tainted with evil. you’re losing faith and has started to think maybe your parents were abusive. a strong word, only someone manipulative would use against their family.
the night passes. you had a great time. at least, as good as it could have been for someone like you. not that someone like you could ever enjoy a party. you know you’ll never work out the courage to confess to her. not that she’ll say yes. you wish you could live like a protagonist of a novel.
before you knew it, you couldn’t bear it anymore, you’re actually crying at an anime. when is the last time that happened? 4 years ago? guess it’s that highly rated on MAL for a reason. the show wasn’t enjoyable, you can’t watch anything from the second hand embarrassment, you nearly dropped it at several different points.
the author knows how to play with your poor little heart. they know your weak points inside out. the stage fright buried deep within your memories. the idea you’ll never see her again. the fact that you’ll never see her again.
if you only had one month to live, you’d to that too. living your life to the fullest with the person who you always thought was out of reach. confess to her. a final dream. a final letter. plot you saw from miles away, but we’re doing it for real. though, maybe it’ll be too cruel to let them cry for you. maybe you should just silently disappear.
surely, you could keep it a secret from her, right? please don’t let your existence be a curse to her.
and what about you?
if only you weren’t going to die.
stab
oooouch.
it’s going in.
you’re really dying.
it really, really hurts.
your past self would’ve been happy.
though he’d write a letter blaming everyone.
but you’re not the same you anymore.
if only you had changed earlier.
then you look up to the man.
more blood dripping down.
you see the author.
love you too.
“ahh…”
..